My goodness, life is crazy hectic. Dane and I have both been sick this week. I missed two days of work and Dane missed 4 days this past week and will be home again Monday. We both went to the doctor and got meds. I am much better but Dane is really struggling to get over the croup this time. Please pray for his body to recuperate from this sickness.
As I was laying in bed resting on one of my sick days, I began to think about Kevin and I realized how little I had thought about things in the last week or so. I hate the fact that the busyness of life sometimes makes us lose touch with our feelings. I don't feel guilty about not thinking about it, but it hurts me. I feel like I am forgetting how life was with him. I know this is a "normal" part of grief, but just let me say it sucks!! There have been several instances this week where I have had to relay information like the month and year of his death, or tell someone that he was killed as a result of an accident (and hear the shock in their voice because they didn't have any idea). Too many times this week that happened. It is like reliving part of it again.
The week was extremely busy as was the weekend. Dane had a recheck with the doc Friday morning so I ran to that appointment after 1st block and then back to school Preparing everyone for the weekend was a juggling act. Kiran was gone to a GA's retreat with the church Friday and part of Saturday. After she got home Saturday she had to get ready to go to a friends house. She has been friends with this young lady since kindergarten. Her family is wonderful and say that Kiran is like part of their family. Her friends dad took his daughter and Kiran to a daddy/daughter dance that was at our school. I was so very touched that he asked for Kiran to go with them. Brock had a basketball game Saturday morning and then my dad drove him to Lindale because he also had solo and ensemble competition. The juggling act gets quite overwhelming sometimes.
As I was laying in bed resting on one of my sick days, I began to think about Kevin and I realized how little I had thought about things in the last week or so. I hate the fact that the busyness of life sometimes makes us lose touch with our feelings. I don't feel guilty about not thinking about it, but it hurts me. I feel like I am forgetting how life was with him. I know this is a "normal" part of grief, but just let me say it sucks!! There have been several instances this week where I have had to relay information like the month and year of his death, or tell someone that he was killed as a result of an accident (and hear the shock in their voice because they didn't have any idea). Too many times this week that happened. It is like reliving part of it again.
The week was extremely busy as was the weekend. Dane had a recheck with the doc Friday morning so I ran to that appointment after 1st block and then back to school Preparing everyone for the weekend was a juggling act. Kiran was gone to a GA's retreat with the church Friday and part of Saturday. After she got home Saturday she had to get ready to go to a friends house. She has been friends with this young lady since kindergarten. Her family is wonderful and say that Kiran is like part of their family. Her friends dad took his daughter and Kiran to a daddy/daughter dance that was at our school. I was so very touched that he asked for Kiran to go with them. Brock had a basketball game Saturday morning and then my dad drove him to Lindale because he also had solo and ensemble competition. The juggling act gets quite overwhelming sometimes.
Our high school band had solo and ensemble competition in Lindale both Friday and Saturday. We left school mid day Friday and didn't return home until late in the evening. We had to go back early Saturday morning. After my band came out of one of our events and I was walking down the hall I had the thought to call Kevin and tell him how we did and see how he was. This is the first time this has happened in a long while. It was very sobering and emotional. He was a part of everything I did. I miss him so much.
I have decided that I am ready to move. We need a bigger place that will be more accessible for Dane and the kids are at the age where they would like to have the privacy of their own rooms. This process is overwhelming to say the least. I have talked to a realtor and she is helping me look for houses or consider building, due to the fact that finding a place that can be made accessible for Dane is quite difficult. She is helping me know what needs to be done to our current house before putting it on the market to maximize what we can get for it. Things have been so busy at work and with the kids that I haven't found much time to look into things. I am seriously considering building, but there is much prepwork to be done. I am praying and seeking God's will in what he would have us do. I know things won't happen as quickly as I would like them to and I know that I have to trust God and not get ahead of myself or get antsy and make decisions out of God's will. This is a huge decision for my family and while I am so ready to be in a different home, for several reasons, I have to remain patient and trust God for what he has for us and that it will be better than what I can do in my own power. When I start to get frustrated with the slow speed of the whole process and the lack of time I have for it, I choose to look to God and remember that I want His will and His timing in my life.
Since the new year began, my sister-in-law committed to writing an entry in a journal every day challenging herself to find things in her life that she is grateful for. After hearing her talk about it and encouraging me to do the same, I decided to jump on board. There are days that I miss because I do it after I get in bed and sometimes I'm just so tired I don't write in it, however, I always go back and make those days up. Most days I don't have any problem finding multiple things to be grateful for. Well, Monday evening that changed. I was tired and not feeling well and the kids were really pushing my buttons and acting very ungrateful themselves (I know that has never happened with anyone else's kids, right). It just boiled over and as I got in bed I actually refused to even write in it. I wanted to be mad and frankly, I was frustrated with God because I felt like he had partly put me in this position, meaning I didn't have that backup from Kevin where the kids were concerned. After talking with a friend before bed I felt rather foolish about the whole situation. I listened to some music to put me back in a correct mindset and talked to God about it and although I was no longer frustrated with God I still was frustrated with my kids. I got over it by the next day. I still haven't gone back and written in my journal about that day, but you know, sometimes I don't think it's a bad thing to have to think about what we are grateful for. Hard days come and when we have a hard time finding things to be grateful to God for, it is a good time of reflection. How many things do we overlook that He blesses us with, like a beautiful sunset, a roof over our head, a nice vehicle, food in the house, friends and family?
Life is hard. It would be very easy for me to get up everyday completely overwhelmed with my circumstances and feeling hopeless. And honestly, there are days that start out like that. I get up each morning and make a choice. I can choose to feel sorry for myself because of losing my husband or because I have a child with a disability or a multitude of other things. I can a choose to look to God and be thankful for the day ahead of me and for the many blessings I have, and for what He has given in the midst of the storms I've endured. Some days that decision is easier than others. Some days I have strength in my reserves and others I have to ask God to help me stand because I am weak but I know in my weakness I am strong. He gives us those choices but at what point do we decide to tell satan no more and remind him that God has given victory to me and I am claiming it?! We have the choice to stand up and claim that victory and although it may not always be easy to do so, that is why God gave us the blessing of fellow Christians to hold us up, pray for and encourage us. This choice is a day to day choice and sometimes a moment to moment choice. It is ok to be weak, as long as you give that weakness to God and allow Him to make you strong. When you think He is not answering your prayers, think back, or better yet, if you keep some kind of gratitude or prayer journal, look back and see and remember what He has done for you. And remember, when you don't know what to say, just say, Jesus!
I have decided that I am ready to move. We need a bigger place that will be more accessible for Dane and the kids are at the age where they would like to have the privacy of their own rooms. This process is overwhelming to say the least. I have talked to a realtor and she is helping me look for houses or consider building, due to the fact that finding a place that can be made accessible for Dane is quite difficult. She is helping me know what needs to be done to our current house before putting it on the market to maximize what we can get for it. Things have been so busy at work and with the kids that I haven't found much time to look into things. I am seriously considering building, but there is much prepwork to be done. I am praying and seeking God's will in what he would have us do. I know things won't happen as quickly as I would like them to and I know that I have to trust God and not get ahead of myself or get antsy and make decisions out of God's will. This is a huge decision for my family and while I am so ready to be in a different home, for several reasons, I have to remain patient and trust God for what he has for us and that it will be better than what I can do in my own power. When I start to get frustrated with the slow speed of the whole process and the lack of time I have for it, I choose to look to God and remember that I want His will and His timing in my life.
Since the new year began, my sister-in-law committed to writing an entry in a journal every day challenging herself to find things in her life that she is grateful for. After hearing her talk about it and encouraging me to do the same, I decided to jump on board. There are days that I miss because I do it after I get in bed and sometimes I'm just so tired I don't write in it, however, I always go back and make those days up. Most days I don't have any problem finding multiple things to be grateful for. Well, Monday evening that changed. I was tired and not feeling well and the kids were really pushing my buttons and acting very ungrateful themselves (I know that has never happened with anyone else's kids, right). It just boiled over and as I got in bed I actually refused to even write in it. I wanted to be mad and frankly, I was frustrated with God because I felt like he had partly put me in this position, meaning I didn't have that backup from Kevin where the kids were concerned. After talking with a friend before bed I felt rather foolish about the whole situation. I listened to some music to put me back in a correct mindset and talked to God about it and although I was no longer frustrated with God I still was frustrated with my kids. I got over it by the next day. I still haven't gone back and written in my journal about that day, but you know, sometimes I don't think it's a bad thing to have to think about what we are grateful for. Hard days come and when we have a hard time finding things to be grateful to God for, it is a good time of reflection. How many things do we overlook that He blesses us with, like a beautiful sunset, a roof over our head, a nice vehicle, food in the house, friends and family?
Life is hard. It would be very easy for me to get up everyday completely overwhelmed with my circumstances and feeling hopeless. And honestly, there are days that start out like that. I get up each morning and make a choice. I can choose to feel sorry for myself because of losing my husband or because I have a child with a disability or a multitude of other things. I can a choose to look to God and be thankful for the day ahead of me and for the many blessings I have, and for what He has given in the midst of the storms I've endured. Some days that decision is easier than others. Some days I have strength in my reserves and others I have to ask God to help me stand because I am weak but I know in my weakness I am strong. He gives us those choices but at what point do we decide to tell satan no more and remind him that God has given victory to me and I am claiming it?! We have the choice to stand up and claim that victory and although it may not always be easy to do so, that is why God gave us the blessing of fellow Christians to hold us up, pray for and encourage us. This choice is a day to day choice and sometimes a moment to moment choice. It is ok to be weak, as long as you give that weakness to God and allow Him to make you strong. When you think He is not answering your prayers, think back, or better yet, if you keep some kind of gratitude or prayer journal, look back and see and remember what He has done for you. And remember, when you don't know what to say, just say, Jesus!