A while back I wrote about the process of grief being like an wound that has to heal and slowly becoming a scar. This process is such a fragile and long one. I have had times that the wound has begun to heal and all of sudden I accidentally hit it on something and it opens up again. The last month have included quite a few of those moments.
Monday, December 9, marked six months since Kevin died. It was a difficult day; really that whole week was difficult. It was a very busy week too and I was physically worn out, which is not a good combination. At times if feels like it has just been a very short time since his death (shorter than 6 months) and other times it feels like it has been much longer. There is so much to juggle and adjust on a daily basis that it is easy for me to become overwhelmed. Juggling a full time job, 4 kids and our home is almost too much at times. And when you add the pets too, I feel like I'm going crazy!!
December is a busy month with work. Typically I work the first two weekends in December for band competitions. I only had to work the first Saturday in December because the second Saturday was SFA's commencement. We attended commencement because the university awarded Kevin's diploma to us. His sister was able to come home to attend which was such a blessing. SFA was very gracious to allow us to invite whoever we wanted, even reserving special parking and seating as well as the president of the university wanting to meet with us before the ceremony to just talk to to us. As we waited for the ceremony to begin we started up a conversation with a mother and her daughter that were there to receive a diploma on behalf of her son who died of colon cancer at the age of 21, who was also close to finishing his degree. I was told that they presented 6 degrees posthumously that day.
I was handling it all pretty well until the graduates were filing down stairs to the coliseum floor when I thought that we should be here because we were watching Kevin receive his degree, not receiving it on his behalf. Reagen and I walked across stage and received his diploma and Dr. Patillo, the university president, also recognized Brock, Dane and Kiran sitting in the audience. It was such a special event. After we finished at the ceremony we all headed back toward Longview and stopped in Henderson to all have dinner together. Dinner was lighthearted and filled with conversation, but I think all of us probably were experiencing a heavy heart.
The next day proved to be even harder for me. I was, again, exhausted. I got upset about something and my feelings were deeply hurt. I wanted to just escape from everything but Kiran was performing in our church Christmas program that afternoon and we had to tickets to attend. The last place I wanted to be was in public and listening to anything about Christmas, even about God. I was really struggling at that moment. I was feeling so deeply hurt and sad, but Kiran was excited to have all of us there and she looked beautiful all dressed up. I was very proud of her for wanting to be a part of it. After we finished, I managed to get away and go out to the cemetery. Oddly enough it is somewhat of a calming place for me. I know I am alone and I can freely release my emotions without worry of someone seeing me and asking me if I'm ok. I laid on Kevin's memorial (it"s a bench if you didn't know) and cried and talked to God and to Kevin. I expressed my hurt, anger and feelings of it all being too hard to do without Kevin. I almost always feel a good bit better after I having done that and while I did feel somewhat better, it took me a few days to work through it completely.
The Friday night before Christmas Tony took the kids on their annual trip to Santa Land. I had intentions of trying to finish up my Christmas shopping, which is what Kevin and I always took the opportunity to do. I was actually looking forward to it, that is until I began to leave the house by myself and another one of those rogue waves knocked me over. I was almost paralyzed with sadness and I became sick to my stomach. I couldn't do it by myself. I mean, I could, but having to face it by myself was the problem. That was our tradition while Tony had the kids. We would start by eating dinner and then we shopped. I knew if I didn't have someone go with me I wouldn't get anything done without crying the whole time and I probably would quit and come home with little to nothing. I called my mom and she met me for dinner and we shopped. I don't think I would have finished without her. It was such a blessing and we had fun. It's not often that I get to spend time alone with my mom. I'm so thankful for her and my dad.
I was up till 2am wrapping some more presents and getting everything ready. That was hard because I am usually up with Kevin getting everything ready. Actually he is usually watching tv while I am wrapping presents. I felt very lonely and sad without him. My mom and dad offered to stay home this Christmas for extra support. I finally told them that I needed for them to stay the day with us. It was such a huge help having them there. They were at our house the whole day Christmas Day. Kevin's dad, Tony, Dorothy and their kids plus my parents all joined us Christmas morning. We connected with Aunt Wowo over FaceTime and she was virtually there with us while we opened presents. We all handled it pretty well. There was a definite difference in the kids' demeanor. We all definitely felt the difference, but I think kept it as lighthearted as we could and we made it. It hurt, but we didn't expect it to be easy. It will hurt for a long time to come.
I am learning to lean on God more than I have been in previous months. It is a different kind of leaning than I have ever done before. I think I have come to terms with my circumstances to a large degree. That doesn't necessarily mean I am okay with it. It just means that it is what it is and I realize that God has my life and my children's lives in His hands. I was listening to some music the other night in bed. It was my first night in several weeks to sleep by myself as I have had one of two girls in bed with me lately. I prefer to sleep alone because that is my time to release my emotions and just think and decompress without an audience. I listened to one of my favorite songs by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Be still and know". I was looking through my playlist when I came upon a song that I hadn't listened to in a while. It was one of Kevin's favorite that really ministered to him and now I know why. It ministered to me and just really spoke what was on my heart. The song is "Fragile Heart" by Yolanda Adams. It's a great song.
I'm so thankful that God takes care of my fragile heart and when I try to protect it myself and I realize I can't, I can always give it back to Him. He is ALWAYS there, sometimes I just have to quiet my mind and be still and know that He is God.
I realize that now that the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over with that the rest of my time off is going to be a little more challenging, due to the fact that I don't have near as much to keep. my mind busy. I don't like staying busy just to not think about it, but then again too much thinking about it isn't good for me either. Please continue to pray for me and the kids. We are having more good days. Your love and support don't go unnoticed or unappreciated!!
Monday, December 9, marked six months since Kevin died. It was a difficult day; really that whole week was difficult. It was a very busy week too and I was physically worn out, which is not a good combination. At times if feels like it has just been a very short time since his death (shorter than 6 months) and other times it feels like it has been much longer. There is so much to juggle and adjust on a daily basis that it is easy for me to become overwhelmed. Juggling a full time job, 4 kids and our home is almost too much at times. And when you add the pets too, I feel like I'm going crazy!!
December is a busy month with work. Typically I work the first two weekends in December for band competitions. I only had to work the first Saturday in December because the second Saturday was SFA's commencement. We attended commencement because the university awarded Kevin's diploma to us. His sister was able to come home to attend which was such a blessing. SFA was very gracious to allow us to invite whoever we wanted, even reserving special parking and seating as well as the president of the university wanting to meet with us before the ceremony to just talk to to us. As we waited for the ceremony to begin we started up a conversation with a mother and her daughter that were there to receive a diploma on behalf of her son who died of colon cancer at the age of 21, who was also close to finishing his degree. I was told that they presented 6 degrees posthumously that day.
I was handling it all pretty well until the graduates were filing down stairs to the coliseum floor when I thought that we should be here because we were watching Kevin receive his degree, not receiving it on his behalf. Reagen and I walked across stage and received his diploma and Dr. Patillo, the university president, also recognized Brock, Dane and Kiran sitting in the audience. It was such a special event. After we finished at the ceremony we all headed back toward Longview and stopped in Henderson to all have dinner together. Dinner was lighthearted and filled with conversation, but I think all of us probably were experiencing a heavy heart.
The next day proved to be even harder for me. I was, again, exhausted. I got upset about something and my feelings were deeply hurt. I wanted to just escape from everything but Kiran was performing in our church Christmas program that afternoon and we had to tickets to attend. The last place I wanted to be was in public and listening to anything about Christmas, even about God. I was really struggling at that moment. I was feeling so deeply hurt and sad, but Kiran was excited to have all of us there and she looked beautiful all dressed up. I was very proud of her for wanting to be a part of it. After we finished, I managed to get away and go out to the cemetery. Oddly enough it is somewhat of a calming place for me. I know I am alone and I can freely release my emotions without worry of someone seeing me and asking me if I'm ok. I laid on Kevin's memorial (it"s a bench if you didn't know) and cried and talked to God and to Kevin. I expressed my hurt, anger and feelings of it all being too hard to do without Kevin. I almost always feel a good bit better after I having done that and while I did feel somewhat better, it took me a few days to work through it completely.
The Friday night before Christmas Tony took the kids on their annual trip to Santa Land. I had intentions of trying to finish up my Christmas shopping, which is what Kevin and I always took the opportunity to do. I was actually looking forward to it, that is until I began to leave the house by myself and another one of those rogue waves knocked me over. I was almost paralyzed with sadness and I became sick to my stomach. I couldn't do it by myself. I mean, I could, but having to face it by myself was the problem. That was our tradition while Tony had the kids. We would start by eating dinner and then we shopped. I knew if I didn't have someone go with me I wouldn't get anything done without crying the whole time and I probably would quit and come home with little to nothing. I called my mom and she met me for dinner and we shopped. I don't think I would have finished without her. It was such a blessing and we had fun. It's not often that I get to spend time alone with my mom. I'm so thankful for her and my dad.
I was up till 2am wrapping some more presents and getting everything ready. That was hard because I am usually up with Kevin getting everything ready. Actually he is usually watching tv while I am wrapping presents. I felt very lonely and sad without him. My mom and dad offered to stay home this Christmas for extra support. I finally told them that I needed for them to stay the day with us. It was such a huge help having them there. They were at our house the whole day Christmas Day. Kevin's dad, Tony, Dorothy and their kids plus my parents all joined us Christmas morning. We connected with Aunt Wowo over FaceTime and she was virtually there with us while we opened presents. We all handled it pretty well. There was a definite difference in the kids' demeanor. We all definitely felt the difference, but I think kept it as lighthearted as we could and we made it. It hurt, but we didn't expect it to be easy. It will hurt for a long time to come.
I am learning to lean on God more than I have been in previous months. It is a different kind of leaning than I have ever done before. I think I have come to terms with my circumstances to a large degree. That doesn't necessarily mean I am okay with it. It just means that it is what it is and I realize that God has my life and my children's lives in His hands. I was listening to some music the other night in bed. It was my first night in several weeks to sleep by myself as I have had one of two girls in bed with me lately. I prefer to sleep alone because that is my time to release my emotions and just think and decompress without an audience. I listened to one of my favorite songs by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Be still and know". I was looking through my playlist when I came upon a song that I hadn't listened to in a while. It was one of Kevin's favorite that really ministered to him and now I know why. It ministered to me and just really spoke what was on my heart. The song is "Fragile Heart" by Yolanda Adams. It's a great song.
I'm so thankful that God takes care of my fragile heart and when I try to protect it myself and I realize I can't, I can always give it back to Him. He is ALWAYS there, sometimes I just have to quiet my mind and be still and know that He is God.
I realize that now that the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over with that the rest of my time off is going to be a little more challenging, due to the fact that I don't have near as much to keep. my mind busy. I don't like staying busy just to not think about it, but then again too much thinking about it isn't good for me either. Please continue to pray for me and the kids. We are having more good days. Your love and support don't go unnoticed or unappreciated!!