I've never been good at hiding my emotions. I wear them over my entire body. It's funny how people sometimes call me out on it too. A few weeks ago when the kids and I got home from school I was telling Pat (Dane's nurse) about my frustration that afternoon about trying to get something done. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, trying my best to decompress, and she commented that I seemed to be wound tight this week. It had been a pretty good week (other than having to ground 2 children from electronics in order to get their attention). I asked, "is it that obvious?", to which she replied, "yes, it is." I was disappointed with myself, although I have no idea why. Like I said, it's never been a strong point of mine. I can say that in my young adult years I was very concerned with appearances. Over the years I have come to realize that "appearances" are not a good thing. If the appearance is a concern then there is something that you are trying to keep hidden or in the dark. I no longer have the time or energy to keep that up, and I also realize that in order to allow God to use me that I must be transparent. Yes, God can be glorified by working in my life. BUT, how much more will he be glorified if I allow my struggles and victories in Him to minister to someone else and see God glorified through that in their life?! Our struggles are not our own.
The remainder of my Christmas break was pretty good. As New Year's Eve drew closer I began to feel a great deal of sadness. The only tradition Kevin and I shared as we rang in the new year was to pray together. For the last 2 or 3 years we would go eat a late dinner out (at like 9:30), be back home by 10:30-11 and get in bed and wait for our neighbors to quit popping fireworks. The thought of being at our house and ringing in the new year without him was too much, granted I was going to be without him no matter where I was. I called my parents and asked if the kids and I could come spend the night at their house. They of course said yes, so we packed our things and headed to Kilgore. My dad and Dane were watching football in the living room and my mom, Kiran and I all snuggled up in momma's bed and watched tv as we waited for the ball to drop. I was having a difficult time but tried to hold it in. This night was proving harder for me than Christmas Day and I think it was partly due to the fact that I had very little down time before Christmas actually came around versus what the few days before New Years actually was like. The thought of starting a new year without Kevin by my side was overwhelming me. Although I have been trying to move forward in my life, the significance of the year ending and a new one beginning was a literal and concrete crux of this journey.
I ended up in bed at 11:30 and began to pray for courage and belief in God for His purpose in my life and the lives of my kids. I got my iPad out to read my devotionals and the verse of the day really ministered hope for the future to me . And though I am still mourning the loss of my Kevin, I am trying to look to what God has for us. I knew that God gave that scripture to me to stand on. It says,
" Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."
Wow! That was for me!! How could I doubt God? Yes, it's unbelievably hard some moments or even some days, but how many times has He given me His assurance? How many times have I felt His love through His word or through other people? How many times has he ministered to me through worship music? It's in the most dire situations of your life, the situations that challenge your faith the most, when you ask yourself if......
"I believe everything that You say You are
I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow You
I believe and I will follow You."
I tried to post the YouTube link to this video but it was a Vevo video which isn't allowed on this site. So go to youtube and search for Vertical Church Band I Will Follow. You won't be sorry you did.
The remainder of my Christmas break was pretty good. As New Year's Eve drew closer I began to feel a great deal of sadness. The only tradition Kevin and I shared as we rang in the new year was to pray together. For the last 2 or 3 years we would go eat a late dinner out (at like 9:30), be back home by 10:30-11 and get in bed and wait for our neighbors to quit popping fireworks. The thought of being at our house and ringing in the new year without him was too much, granted I was going to be without him no matter where I was. I called my parents and asked if the kids and I could come spend the night at their house. They of course said yes, so we packed our things and headed to Kilgore. My dad and Dane were watching football in the living room and my mom, Kiran and I all snuggled up in momma's bed and watched tv as we waited for the ball to drop. I was having a difficult time but tried to hold it in. This night was proving harder for me than Christmas Day and I think it was partly due to the fact that I had very little down time before Christmas actually came around versus what the few days before New Years actually was like. The thought of starting a new year without Kevin by my side was overwhelming me. Although I have been trying to move forward in my life, the significance of the year ending and a new one beginning was a literal and concrete crux of this journey.
I ended up in bed at 11:30 and began to pray for courage and belief in God for His purpose in my life and the lives of my kids. I got my iPad out to read my devotionals and the verse of the day really ministered hope for the future to me . And though I am still mourning the loss of my Kevin, I am trying to look to what God has for us. I knew that God gave that scripture to me to stand on. It says,
" Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."
Wow! That was for me!! How could I doubt God? Yes, it's unbelievably hard some moments or even some days, but how many times has He given me His assurance? How many times have I felt His love through His word or through other people? How many times has he ministered to me through worship music? It's in the most dire situations of your life, the situations that challenge your faith the most, when you ask yourself if......
"I believe everything that You say You are
I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow You
I believe and I will follow You."
I tried to post the YouTube link to this video but it was a Vevo video which isn't allowed on this site. So go to youtube and search for Vertical Church Band I Will Follow. You won't be sorry you did.