This last month has been very hard. Lots of things that I have had to do have just made reality all the more real. Over the course of this last week I have come to realize that I have been angry with God because of my hurt, but it has been a different kind of anger. It hasn't been the kind that I have very vocal about how I'm feeling to him (even though I know He already knows them) but the kind if anger where I have just ignored Him. And I haven't even intentionally acted on my anger. It almost doesn't make sense and is somewhat hard to explain.
The weekends seem to be growing harder for me. As long as I am busy I'm doing pretty well. But if my mind is idle, it isn't pretty. While I am very thankful for the break from work I am also dreading being off. It's just too much down time and I'm not sure how I will handle it. There is plenty I can do this week, but I need both physical and mental rest. I have to put my Christmas tree up this week or it won't get done and I'm really not looking forward to putting it up. After Kevin's mom passed away in 1996 Kevin didn't enjoy Christmas time. Christmas was his mom's favorite holiday and she loved to decorate every room in the house. It was painful for him after she died. I have always loved Christmas, but I understand now more of his feelings. I'm not looking that forward to Christmas. I am having to work really hard to stay positive about the holidays and enjoy it. I know that is normal but it doesn't make it any easier.
Grief is such a vast emotion. I noticed an elderly couple riding down the road yesterday and it made me angry. Sunday morning I had my feet swept out from under me again. I felt like I was doing really well when I happened to notice a man with his arm around his wife and he was playing with her hair and caressing her back. It hit me and I started crying and had to excuse myself for a few minutes. The smallest things will totally take you by surprise and knock you off your feet. You never know when a wave will hit you. I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to try to quit wearing my wedding ring. It just got to the point that it hurt to look at it and wear it. I kept my vows to Kevin and God and continuing to wear it isn't going to bring him back. It was definitely not an easy decision to make but I knew that if it was too much I could always put it back on. I didn't want to go without a ring on my finger so I have been wearing the promise ring he gave me before we got engaged and although that ring still represents our love and commitment to one another it has been easier to wear. It absolutely breaks my heart to do it. There are moments in my days where I feel like I'm just about to lose it.
We celebrated Reagen's 19th birthday on Sunday. Her birthday made for an easy day to stay busy. I made her favorite dish for dinner. She wanted her daddy's recipe of Chicken and dumplings. They turned out delicious! He left good instructions and I'm so thankful for that. We had family over and we had a good time. It was hard without him if course. Before dinner I went into my room to wrap Reagen's gift amd sign her card. Signing that card with only my name was difficult and felt wrong.
I have found myself not wanting to be at home today. It just hurts too much to be here without him. The house is just so different. It feels empty and almost cold too. I've been looking through some pictures, the pics I sent to our friend to choose from for the slide show for the celebration service. I found some of us when we were dating. I look at his face and. I can read his emotions. Oh, how I loved him. He was my first and only love.
The weekends seem to be growing harder for me. As long as I am busy I'm doing pretty well. But if my mind is idle, it isn't pretty. While I am very thankful for the break from work I am also dreading being off. It's just too much down time and I'm not sure how I will handle it. There is plenty I can do this week, but I need both physical and mental rest. I have to put my Christmas tree up this week or it won't get done and I'm really not looking forward to putting it up. After Kevin's mom passed away in 1996 Kevin didn't enjoy Christmas time. Christmas was his mom's favorite holiday and she loved to decorate every room in the house. It was painful for him after she died. I have always loved Christmas, but I understand now more of his feelings. I'm not looking that forward to Christmas. I am having to work really hard to stay positive about the holidays and enjoy it. I know that is normal but it doesn't make it any easier.
Grief is such a vast emotion. I noticed an elderly couple riding down the road yesterday and it made me angry. Sunday morning I had my feet swept out from under me again. I felt like I was doing really well when I happened to notice a man with his arm around his wife and he was playing with her hair and caressing her back. It hit me and I started crying and had to excuse myself for a few minutes. The smallest things will totally take you by surprise and knock you off your feet. You never know when a wave will hit you. I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to try to quit wearing my wedding ring. It just got to the point that it hurt to look at it and wear it. I kept my vows to Kevin and God and continuing to wear it isn't going to bring him back. It was definitely not an easy decision to make but I knew that if it was too much I could always put it back on. I didn't want to go without a ring on my finger so I have been wearing the promise ring he gave me before we got engaged and although that ring still represents our love and commitment to one another it has been easier to wear. It absolutely breaks my heart to do it. There are moments in my days where I feel like I'm just about to lose it.
We celebrated Reagen's 19th birthday on Sunday. Her birthday made for an easy day to stay busy. I made her favorite dish for dinner. She wanted her daddy's recipe of Chicken and dumplings. They turned out delicious! He left good instructions and I'm so thankful for that. We had family over and we had a good time. It was hard without him if course. Before dinner I went into my room to wrap Reagen's gift amd sign her card. Signing that card with only my name was difficult and felt wrong.
I have found myself not wanting to be at home today. It just hurts too much to be here without him. The house is just so different. It feels empty and almost cold too. I've been looking through some pictures, the pics I sent to our friend to choose from for the slide show for the celebration service. I found some of us when we were dating. I look at his face and. I can read his emotions. Oh, how I loved him. He was my first and only love.